crypto heists

Can huge budgets, large explosions, and A-list stars like Statham and Pitt outdo redbull fueled teenagers with mild aspergers and too much time on their hands? We’ll find out in today’s list of Top Heists: Crypto VS Hollywood.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels


Statham at a bar table movie scene

Back when Statham didn’t have to drive in a movie

With a paltry take of only $750,000, Hollywood is not off to a great start; however, what’s great about this comedy is the heavy accents and non-stop chicanery. A must see, despite the crummy haul! Come on Guy Richie, you can do better!

Hollywood starts with a punt

Bitcoin Saving & Trust

$3.42 Million

An oldie, but a goodie! Way back in 2011, Trendon Shavers AKA Pirate, was offering an excellent high yield investment opportunity, 1% per day (~3500%/year)! It turns out this kind of yield is unsustainable. After “trying” to return some of the money, Pirate declared it was all gone minus some expenses, such as“rent, car-related expenses, utilities, retail purchases, casinos, and meals.” Casinos, LOL! All in all, around 264,000 BTC, or $3.5 million, disappeared.

Lessons Learned: Any investment scheme that pays more than the original Ponzi scheme is probably a Ponzi scheme, and never trust a guy named pirate!


The Town

$3.5 Million

The town movie scene

Say your prayers

Just when you thought Ben Affleck couldn’t do anything any dumber (Gigli) he goes and does something like The Town… and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF! Bengi and a couple of other guys are really good at robbing armored cars. So good infact that they rob around $3.5 million, but not before he falls in love… and who can put a dollar amount on that!

Bennifer helps Hollywood squeak ahead

CoinDash ICO

$7 Million

Just because you have terahashes securing the contract behind your ICO doesn’t mean you should be lax on your security everywhere else! On 17 July 2017, CoinDash found this out the hard way when minutes before the much anticipated ICO went live, someone hacked into their website and replaced the CoinDash contract address with their own. This simple attacked netted around $7 million. The good news - the attacker has returned most of the funds!

Unsecure Wordpress sites give crypto a commanding lead!

The Italian Job

$30 Million

The Italian Job movie banner

You can see Edward Nortan’s stupid mustache if you look closely enough

In a plot with as many twists as Mark Wahlbeg’s career, Marky Mark and Charlize Theron, with the help of Mos Def, Seth Green, Jason Statham (driving!) and a 20-minute ad for the new Mini Cooper, try to re-steal the Venetian gold they stole earlier in the movie, which was stolen from them by Edward Norton and his shitty mustache. Value of the gold in question, around $30 million.

Hollywood is squarely in command until…

The DAO Hack

$50 Million

The Dao Hack movie Banner

The DAO, or Decentralized Autonomous Organization was an “undertaking of great advantage” if there ever was one. At its height it held $150 million dollars of Ether, and the organizations goal was to do… well we aren’t sure exactly: whatever the share holders voted it to do, if any of them could figure out how to vote. But before they could figure that out, another person DID figure out how to siphon off $50 million of Ether into another smart contract. This episode also led to the split of Ethereum into two chains.

DAO hacker makes stealing $50 Million look like childs play!

Fast Five

$100 Million

Fast Five movie scene

Come at me Bro! Don’t worry, we’ll be friends later…

An all star cast comes back for the fifth and definitely not final time to destroy lots of property in this installment of the series. Two meat heads, a rapper, some good looking females, and a dead guy (too soon?) all come together to do what they do best, fight it out on the streets for money. Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, and their compadres rake in a cool $100 Million and put some egg on the face of Dwayne Johnson in the process.

The Fast Gang puts crypto to shame!



Mt Gox logo

A name and logo that will put most OG bitcoiners into a PTSD induced coma… the rise and fall of the now defunct exchange is old news, but that doesn’t mean the same thing doesn’t keep happening. Exchanges keep leaving large amounts of user funds in hotwallets for convenience and hackers keep stealing them!

You’d need an ensemble cast like the world has never seen to top this!

Oceans 11, 12, & 13

$500 Million

Oceans movie banner

Wowzer! This star studded cast brought down 3 casinos, and that was just in part 1! Danny Ocean and his crew are monetary vacuum cleaners! They will work for months setting up a job, surveilling, rehearsing, and waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Throughout their 3 capers, the Oceans gang racked in around $500 million. Topping the MTGOX theft by over $20 million. Their take is an almost unimaginable sum. No one could really steal that much money and get away with it!

Crypto says, “Brad, hold my beer”



NEM responds to $534 million in XEM stolen from Coincheck

On 28 January 2018, the largest heist in world history happened on the Coincheck exchange. $550 million dollars in New Economy Movement, or NEM tokens were stolen from one of the exchange’s hotwallets. Coincheck has vowed to pay back all of the stolen funds, but one has to wonder when the average crypto hodler will learn their lesson about leaving too much crypto on an exchange.

The Coincheck hacker can rightfully claim to have outdone the Ocean gang’s total haul, all without leaving his living room or putting on a pair of pants!

South Park Jenkins picture

Artist’s Interpretation of the CoinCheck Heist Mastermind


$1 Billion

Not to be outdone by nerds with computers, Sir Sean Connery himself, with the help of a laser-dodging-ass wielding Catherine Zeta-Jones, comes through giving Hollywood the win by stealing $1 billion from some of the largest banks in the world and fully covering his tracks in the process.


$3 Billion

The Chinese Exit scammers behind plus token stole a total of $3.5 Billion dollars worth of Bitcoin, Ethereum, and EOS. Though the scammers were caught, much of the stolen funds are still moving and ebijng sold out of their wallets, meaning there are still members on the run.

Game - Set - Match: Crypto!

Someone is always after your stash! Never leave coins you’re hodling on an exchange where they are part of a large honey pot, and always hodl smart by hodling with a Billfod!